I’ve come to the disappointing realization that Noah hates my blog. He didn’t tell me in so many words, since he doesn’t actually use words, but every time I sit down to write something he starts hollering from the other room, which leads me to believe that he A) doesn’t think writing is a suitable profession, or even hobby, for his mom or B) doesn’t like it when my computer is in my lap instead of himself, the little Prince. Or C) somehow can sense that I’m writing about him, his penis, or showing pictures like this which make him scream in embarrassed rebellion:
I guess I can’t blame him. But COME. ON. Did you see that tucas!? (And yes, that is my humungous Barbara Streisand nose peeking into the corner of the picture; please ignore it and go back to looking at the baby’s bum. Thank you.)
I do actually have pictures of him in the tub with his cute-as-hell little ballsack floating around in the water, but I’m going to spare him the therapy bills later in life by not putting it on here. Either that or I’ll save it for when he’s 16 and I need some kind of blackmail leverage.
In any case, I’m currently typing this while he’s lying on my chest, which makes me SuperMom FYI. (Except for the fact that if I was really SuperMom I’d probably change his diaper instead of letting him sit in old piss while I blog this.) But I just finished feeding him and he fell asleep, which is not great because he is supposed to be awake after he eats, but so cute and peaceful that I had to let him nap for a minute. Now I know there are at least half of you wondering what I mean by “he’s supposed to be awake after he eats” (I know because I’ve said this to a group of people on several occasions and they’ve all wondered what I mean), so it’s time for my dirty little secret: I feed Noah on a schedule. He eats every two and a half hours. After he eats he’s awake, then he goes down for a nap. Then he wakes up and it’s mealtime again. Ok, now which of you demand-feeding Moms is going to hate-mail me first? I’M READY.
Anyway, we went to visit my in-laws last weekend, and while we were there I started processing some thoughts and feelings I’ve been having lately. Mostly because of the breastfeeding thing, actually. See I still suck at public nursing – I’m like trying to maneuver a blanket over my shoulder with his 13 pound squirmy self trying desperately to find my nipple, which is still under my shirt and I didn’t realize it when I precariously unlatched my bra and tried to quickly stuff his face into my tit to prevent anyone seeing my blaring nipple when he knocks the blanket off… you get the idea. It’s only been a month and a half so I have hope that some day we will be old pros, him and me. I’ll be eating lunch with you some day, Reader, and I’ll modestly latch him on in the blink of your awe-filled eye, I KNOW IT. But until then, I typically leave the room to nurse him every two and a half hours, which brings me to the point of this blog post. I know, right? FINALLY.
Motherhood is lonely.
If you know me at all, you know I sort of struggle with this anyway. I have this sort of melancholy, if I can please use that as a noun, and it starts and ends with a feeling of loneliness. It’s a little bit just me… I mean I know I have good friends, family, mentors, Lance, Jesus… the list is long. But even though my head tells me that all the time, my heart has a hard time figuring it out. So here it is, and I bet a bunch of you mommies out there know what I mean. Why else are there so many moms’ groups? There’s something about motherhood that intrinsically sets us apart from everyone else, even our kids’ dads. I think in addition to spending 90% of my day with someone who can’t talk or understand me, nursing in private every two and a half hours, and being up to my elbows in poop most of the time which is definitely not socially acceptable, there’s this level of intense worry that never leaves. It’s the craziest kind of worry too – one that makes me BURST INTO TEARS when, say, we’re visiting Lance’s grandmother in a nursing home and I have to breastfeed Noah, so genius that I am I decide to leave the lobby where we all are and go back into a spare room, which requires passing by a dozen or so decrepit souls who are coughing and shaking and the thought crosses my mind that I’ve just brought my baby into a disease-infested building. COME ON GERMS! MY BABY’S IMMUNE SYSTEM IS A FREE-FOR-ALL! Just you know, for instance. It makes me constantly think about my son, what’s best for him, when he needs to eat, whether he is hot or cold, hungry or tired, happy or sad… and I have this feeling that it will be like that for the rest of my life, even when it’s not my job to take care of him anymore. And for some reason, that knowledge makes me feel like I am the only person in the world.
So I went to a moms’ group Tuesday to try and combat this. There are other moms out there, and I know I can meet people who GET me, you know what I mean? Even if we all feel alone, it’s good to know I’m in good, lonely company.
January 21, 2010 at 5:17 pm
Is it just me, or is this a total cliffhanger? How did the moms’ group go?
Guess Noah woke up, right? (And, I guess Baby-wise had some lasting effect? It has good principles, even if it’s preachy.)
January 26, 2010 at 12:15 am
You’re right. I’ll have to do a Part Deux. And about Babywise… yes and no. The schedule part really appealed to me, but we aren’t letting him “cry it out” or anything. I think our main strategy right now is to practice non-extreme parenting. Like… no we don’t co-sleep, but yes we do pick him up when he cries and I’m not worried I’m spoiling him or whatever. I’ll let you know how it goes!
Miss you!
January 21, 2010 at 6:04 pm
Hey…I love reading your blog…you can put into words so much of what I’m thinking. I completely understand about the loneliness and worry..I am the same way. Oh and for nursing in public..I really like my hooter hider. It has a strap that goes around my neck to keep it from falling and it has boning in the top so I can look down to see what is going on without the whole world getting a sneak peak
You can buy them from a bunch of different places but I like etsy.com because you can get someone to custom make it in the colors you like.
January 26, 2010 at 12:13 am
Thanks, Angela! Good idea… I just ordered an “Utter Cover” haha… these names are awesome.
January 22, 2010 at 2:29 pm
Megan, you are now in the mothers profession that most of us are in. Once in you will never leave. Children are such a part of their mothers it’s only natural to feel that this is all there is. It doesn’t ever go away and it will rear its thorny head again and again thruout your life and his(theirs). I guess when you are older it becomes “empty nest syndrome”.( I am dealing with this big time.) Anyway, don’t look at it from the bad side.. Count all the wonderful and truly happy things you will encounter over the next 20 years. All the firsts you will witness, all the wonder & joy you will see reflected in his eyes. Just remember that right now this a just another step, another beginning, another part of your journey also. Give your self time to adjust. go and enjoy & breathe slowly, deeply. Time has a tendency to get away from us and we miss enough as it is. Unless you have more children this will be a special time with Noah you won’t be able to get back. Postpartum blues are part of it. And other children will all be different. So don’t be hard on yourself, breathe deep and enjoy yourself. Remember, how anxious you were to get pregnancy over and to have your child here. Now the new adventure begins, tomorrow will always bring some new and exciting and time will speed by so fast you will wonder where you lost it.Relax, Enjoy and ignore the chores that you do on automatic. Make your priority your child & you bonding. I wish I had learned this lesson the first time around. You can’t go back only forward. Do it will grace & love. Do what your heart tells you regardless of other opinions. I love you and am truly delighted with the pictures. Keep posting them for those of us that can’t be there to hold him. and p.s. yours is the computer, mine was the phone. Every time it rang regardless of time, there was a demand for attention, and it still happens to this day. HAHA!
January 24, 2010 at 9:12 am
“and Mary pondered these things in her heart…”
we get to blog. we get mom’s groups. but in the end – it will be what you do in your heart for the rest of your life and his and the one’s to follow. i get the loneliness.
looking back at packing up a 2 year old and his 7 month old sister, moving thousands of miles away from my family, adjusting to a new language and a culture not my own – to become “missionaries in the foreign fields”…those were days of lots of introspection. who am I? what am I contributing? where did my creative outlet go? why do kids poop so much?
now almost three decades later – back in the motherland, now EX-missionaries (there is a book to be written here somewhere!), caring for my 83 yr old mother…I’m still asking the same questions but have an answer or two to show for it. two kids who have crazy creativity seeping from every pore of their beings who regularly thank me for pouring into their lives.
January 29, 2010 at 2:52 pm
[...] of this post reminded me of Kermit the Frog. Being green actually is (mostly) easy. Last week I mentioned that I had gone to a moms’ group, and that moms’ group is actually a “green [...]